Women and Their Signs

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Today, I want to inform you (especially the men) about some key features of the Zodiac signs. You must know there’s a marvelous question that can get normally quiet women to talk for hours with other women: “What’s your sign?” When a woman asks this question to another woman, you can bet your bottom dollar that the conversation will not just flow; it will cascade!

Today, I want to inform you (especially the men) about some key features of the Zodiac signs. Later, there will be a test, so have your paper ready and your pencils sharpened.

Aries

This is Miss Wisenheimer. She knows it all, guys. The phrase “Would you help, please” is not in her vocabulary. An Aries woman goes off half-cocked, and she’s alone as far as adventure is concerned. She’s dominant and wants to dominate her man, but once she achieves this domination, she can no longer respect him. She wants to sail away, but once she does, she realizes that she has sailed much too far. Sometimes you want to say to her, “What on earth do you want, woman?” She doesn’t gossip, copy, or cheat. She drives at 60mph when the speed limit is 70mph, always sticking to the rules and having no tolerance for lies and bad discipline. If you don’t keep your promises, I warn you that you’ll feel her wrath. She’s curious about the spiritual realm, meaning you can conjure the spirits with her. There’s also a party animal inside her, so you can paint the town red until dawn with her.

Taurus

Here comes the goddess of aphorism! O’ Woman, can’t you just act clearly once in a while. Say you love someone, or say you’re upset, but just say it. Everything is aphorismic, and everything is citations. Ask a Taurus woman where she’s going, and she’ll likely tell you something like, “The world stands aside for the person who knows where to go.” Man, why not just tell me you’re visiting your sister or something? Even if she isn’t always good at finding words for her feelings, Taurus is one of the rare signs whose people know exactly what they want from their careers. She does whatever she sets her mind on, but once she falls in love, along comes the warm slippers and comfortable sweatpants, and she’s ready to go to the kitchen and make her man a sandwich. However, if you’re not sure you can return the same amount of effort and esteem, I advise you to run to the hills, because she’s pretty bloody minded in such situations.

Gemini

Not just two but literally ten women live inside this one. Did I mention that she’s the most uncanny specimen of all? One moment she’s making merry, and the next you discover that she packs quite a punch. Her system rejects men that keep her sweet, and she almost goes for those who get her back up. She’s talkative and fun, and she loves to travel. Remember that if you decide to take her out for dinner, you won’t see a scrap of food on your table for at least three hours. She usually talks to the waiter for some time, asking questions like, “Do you serve chicken? And do you have pasta. Oh yes, there it is. I think I’ll have the tuna then.” If you notice a meal being sent back in a restaurant, you can be certain it’s the work of a female Gemini. They look younger than they are, because their sign is the most youthful one. It’s only natural, seeing as they don’t hesitate to chew people’s asses out whenever they see fit; they just can’t hold back. Kudos to Gemini. Keep it up sister, honestly.

Cancer

This is the only sign that tries to look tough but messes it up almost every time. You feel something warm, sweet, and balmy inside when you talk to her. But yes, you guessed it right. That balmy mess happens to be your brain. She can talk about relationships for three days straight. She’s the most adept at not listening to you, pretending to listen instead. You can talk about anything, and she will still have rabbits jumping around in her head. If you would call her to tell her that the world is ending,  she would say, “So that’s why he left me. Otherwise he wouldn’t have had the heart to, aww…” For a Cancerian woman, every little thing in the universe was made for her and her lover. She’s an early riser through and through, often happily waking up at 5am. She’s sincere and funny, and you miss her every moment she’s away. She can hide her emotional nature with her wits and rascally nature. She cannot stand criticism and negligence, so be careful you don’t indulge in these!

Leo

She’s the queen, guys. She’s got the swagger. She’s very fond of luxury and splendor, wiping her behind with dollar bills whenever it’s possible. She keeps her friends close, and if, God forbid, she sees a friend’s boyfriend with another girl, she’s quick to put the boot in. She has a real disregard for positive sciences, and no matter which department she graduates from, she thinks she’s in the wrong one. If you let them, all Leos would be painters, musicians, and advertising agents. She’s very sensitive and clever, but she’s unable to tolerate ordeals. She’s so busy with herself that if you tell her that all hell has broken loose, she’ll just think about the perfume to wear while heading to safety. She chooses her lovers from a pool of the most impossible men and then tries to make men of them. She’s quick to make innuendos, riddling you with these bullets, so handle her with great care.

Virgo

She has a constant melancholic expression, revealing an ongoing agony in her eyes. She’s restless and really cannot stand a life of rest. She may wear a poker face, but she actually loves to gossip. She’s chummy and longsuffering, so much so that there’s no end to this. She plays it cool. She’s a stylish person, and even a sack would look good on her. She makes an ideal roommate at college. Being neat and tidy, she scrubs the bathroom, mops the floor, and never makes a big deal of it. Virgo is probably the only sign that doesn’t like to be on the front burner. The devil is not in the details—it’s in Virgo. She picks one word from your five-page essay and finds some underlying, nonexistent meaning that she can take offense at, dumping you without a second thought. Do not offend a Virgo. Mark my words: Go easy on her, and think twice before saying anything. Good luck.

Libra

A Libran woman is somewhere between Mother Theresa and Lady Gaga. She soon falls in love and forgets just as quickly. She cannot decide whether she wants to get married and have children or make an album and go on a music tour. She’s strategic and skillful at interpersonal affairs. She takes four suitcases on a daytrip. Even if a storm is breaking within her heart, her face always shows the enigmatic expression of the Mona Lisa. She cooks just fine when she wants to, but only if she really wants to. She’s skilled at housework, cooking, and dentistry. She’s indolent, typically choosing her lovers from her inner circle and going loopy once she falls in love. Her blood pressure goes down when faced with uncertainty. She’s sharp and impatient, and for this reason, everything must be clear. Are you in love or not? Are you a gentleman or a rogue? The biggest favor you can do for a Libran woman is to not waste her time, otherwise it’s surely you who will be laid to waste.

Scorpio

This one always has her own way. She’s posh and loves artsy things. She’s a real showoff, but she doesn’t level with people easily or get close to them. Don’t ever talk through your hat to a Scorpio. She’s also a mother hen, and healing, treating, and feeding are instinctive behaviors for her. Although she cannot argue her way out of a paper bag, she continually criticizes herself. She isn’t envious, but she’s definitely jealous. Her favorite drink is diet coke. She sometimes has a taste for black and sometimes for white, but it’s always with a passion. She lives on the edge, sometimes so far on the edge that her cellphone loses its signal. If she blows her stack, the mother earth she is may suddenly turn into a leather-clad rebel priestess, so try not to annoy her. What’s more, she’s so psychically inclined that she can read you like an open book, even when this book is still blank. If she ever spots a lie in your head, prepare to be blown away. She spends her money carefully, usually preferring to go out on her own.

Sagittarius

Look what the cat dragged in! She’s God’s baseball bat, if you get what I mean. Abuse her trust or put her off, and she’ll bust you like a traffic cop with a quota to meet. She walks so proud that if her nose fell off, she wouldn’t deign to stop and look down at it. She analyzes everything. Take your leave if she ever starts gibbering, “You say that, but you actually mean this.” She will fly her lover to the moon, but she forgets to keep hold of him. She never rises to wealth, because even if she made a billion dollars in a month, she would lavishly throw it around. Her mood is unstable, and she can turn from Walt Disney into Alice Cooper in the blink of an eye. She likes to learn things, constantly trying something new, such as fitness training, Latin dancing, diets, wrestling, and so on, but she never sees them through. She’s most successful in her career and so feminine with her laughter. A Sagittarian woman is loyal, and she doesn’t dismiss anyone unnecessarily. If you make a fool of her, though, she’ll run you through.

Capricorn

You can easily mistake this one for a duchess or countess. She’s wary and skeptical, and this is the reason behind her squint. A woman of Capricorn is royal and prudent, never putting her pants on one leg at a time. I say this because she’s cooler, calmer, and more collected than you and I could ever be. She’s careful in her career decisions, and she doesn’t usually make mistakes. She doesn’t hobnob with people, rarely warming or taking a dislike to people, but once she lets you into her life, she will never leave you in the lurch. These women tend to go through an identity crisis at an early age, just so they can overcome it. You could easily become hysterical from their excessive realism. When you tell her that in ten years you’ll be sipping wine together in Tuscany, she’ll tell you to pay off your home loan first. Since she’s the figurative great granddaughter of Henry VII, she maintains her composure at all costs. She’s quick in cutting the ignorant off. Do not make her cry, or she’ll bump you off for sure.

Aquarius

Aquarians are crazy about gossip until it’s just no fun anymore. An Aquarian woman thinks she has a genius inside, but no one ever saw her invent a thing. She’s in love with her wits and has a permanently swollen ego. It’d be great if some modesty accompanied her sweet ego, but it’s just one of those things. She loves her friends. Well, not just loves, she loses her marbles and falls off her rocker where her friends are concerned. She likes commitment and loathes dependence. She’s almost masculine in her relationships. She bosses, commands, abuses, and dominates, and she would eventually grow a penis if she went the extra mile. She doesn’t even let the man lead in the wedding dance, because she has to dominate in all things. She’s sophisticated, but she might believe that too much culture is bad for her health, so she goes to a charity sale after visiting an art museum, or to a Hank Williams Jr. concert after a Verdi opera. She’s familiar with the tabloid press, so much so that she could be a magazine reporter. She’s incredibly funny and practical. She could rule the world if she wasn’t so lazy, but come on, we’re talking about someone who doesn’t even remove her make-up before bed.

Pisces

This one cries easily, and there’s no way you can discover the reason why. She could be moved to tears just by looking at a window steaming up. She has private jokes that only she can understand. She begins her relationships as if they will be her last, and when they’re over, she claims her lover was a schizophrenic or so anyway. She’s a daydreamer, but not romantic in the sense of fluffy love stories. She may laugh in her lover’s face whenever he is reciting a love poem to her. She’s grateful for small blessings, but she may also get the blues from just about anything. Despite her overwhelming romanticism, she’s incredibly resilient against hardship. Her ideal profession is as a judge, because she can’t stand injustice. She’s so fond of appearances that she wouldn’t even drink a mocha if it didn’t have cinnamon on it. She usually ends up being the one in the wrong, because she blurts things out that she should have said at the end of the conversation. She then pouts, claiming that the whole world is against her. Most women of Pisces are good cooks, and they make great wives and mothers.

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