It’s 4:40 in the morning, and my eyes open. Why can’t I sleep?
I keep my head on the pillow and close my eyes again. If only I could slide back into the comfort of sleep, but no! My mind is fully awake with all the problems, worries, and anxieties to think about… My beautiful mind, with all those thoughts, is trying to lure me in with promises of various solutions. Although I intend to make use of it in the right situations, I wish with all my heart to see it for what it really is and gain the ability to be in harmony with myself in a calm manner for the rest of time…
The conversation below may sound familiar to you, or maybe it doesn’t. I don’t know. For now, I’ll just share it, seeing as it made me laugh in the end. It also caused me to remember how I came to start meditation and how grateful I was for it. Even though I still have such episodes now and then, I can see some things more clearly now, and I keep on learning. So, here’s my little anecdote for us all to smile about. I hope it will remind us not to be overcome by our minds but instead open our hearts and find our own balance on the magnificent path we walk together…
The mind begins by interrupting:
- Psssst…
I’m sleeping. Actually, I want to go back to sleep. Come on, calm down and let’s sleep.
- I just wanted to ask about the guy from the other day. The one you went on a date with.
What about him?
- Well, he didn’t call.
So what?
- Well, you remember what happened with the last one? He broke your heart…
What?
- I mean, after everything you’ve been through. He was relentless. You can’t trust another man now—how can you? You need to work on your issues before you can ever commit to anyone again. What if the next one turns out to be the same?
I know I had a hard time getting over him, but I’m better now. It’s all over. Anyway, why wouldn’t I trust anyone again? I mean we are all unique, and all relationships are unique. I believe in love and how it really does conquer all.
- Yes, of course. But I mean men are…
Don’t generalize…
- Whatever.
Can we sleep now?
- So, what about that article? Did you submit it? The deadline is close.
Yes, I know, and I still have two days.
- You always do this, you know. You say you have plenty of time, and then puff, your time is up. The deadline is close and you struggle to meet it. You did the same back in school, and you’re still the same today.
Come on! I’m not that person anymore. Sure, I’ve had a few close calls, but I take my responsibilities seriously.
- Ha ha! Like you do with the kids? Do you know what they ate for dinner tonight?
Hey, it was just one evening. They’re teenagers, and they’re capable of feeding themselves.
- Well, do you know what they like and dislike? Do you know what they feel about life? Do you know what concerns them? You’re a very relaxed mom, irresponsible even. A mother should be stern, but you let them talk to you like a friend. You’re their mom, and they should respect you!
Oh my god! Just please shut up. I have a great relationship with my sons. I do the best I can as a single mom.
- Yeah, exactly, because you got divorced and wrecked their lives!
Are you kidding me? No one’s life has been wrecked. They’re just regular teenagers with the usual issues. They have paths of their own. They chose me as their mother, even before they were born. They came to me! And we teach each other so many things…
- Yeah, yeah. Did you learn all that mumbo jumbo in your self-help books? Do you really buy into that crap?
I invented it! I believe in it. I love my kids, and they know it, and that’s all that matters…
- But now the eldest is not talking to his father. How is that going to be resolved? And what about the school fees and your debts? You need to find more work, but you’re lazy, and you’ve already got a ton of work to do. You should consider what your kids want, but you should also set some rules and boundaries. You should make them feel loved. What’s more, you should decide where you want to be in ten years’ time. You’re 40 already, and the clock is ticking! Do you know what you want to do with your life?
Shhh! Stop! Stop! What are you doing? Will you please calm down? What do you really expect me to do in the middle of the night, when I’m at home in my bed trying to get some sleep. Why do you dump all this on me now? You don’t even make sense! Just shut up!
- You can try to stop or ignore me, but I’m here, along with all those problems that you always try to run from. Run! Run! Run! But you can’t outrun them…
Okay, you can keep talking in my head, but I don’t have to justify anything to you. I live the best way I know how to. I learn, and I evolve, while you, my dear mind, say every negative, worrying, horrifying thing you possibly can. All I can say is that I see you…
If you do not silence your mind, it will never calm down.
If I do not silence my mind, it will never calm down.
If our minds do not calm down, we can never be in the moment.
And if we are not in the moment, life will pass us by without us noticing ourselves or all the beauty of life…
All I can say is this: I see you!
This was a great article. I resonate with it soooooooo much! Just last night this same thing was happening to me. I was thinking so much about issues that I’m having and having conversations with people in that I need to have in real life. I was so upset and mad and tense that I had to wake up grab my phone and open up the calm app. I turned on a sleep story and tuned in to that. At first it wasn’t working, so I changed the story to a different one.
It is so awesome to know that I am not the only one that is experiencing this. It gives me so much anxiety. It’s gotten out of control. Since I have been diagnosed with panic disorder, I try to do things that help me stay calm and being alone most of the time helps me out the most. Sometimes, I write. I would love to share my experience with your audience in this magazine. It’ll be a good way for me to express what is happening. Thank you so much for your article.
Dear Shamina,
Great to hear your comment. We are all together in this 🙂 and likewise, I’m so glad that we are not alone and somehow we get to connect with each other… Be well!