I Fear to Love

0
166 views

This is actually a very interesting case, because the two concepts of love and fear are entirely opposite to each other, but there are cases where these concepts come together.

A passionate love then comes into being rather than a blind one. The fear of loving burns our souls fiercely, but even while we burn, we don’t recognize it as the most fearful thing in our lives. So, what is this fear of love? Let me try to explain it by drawing a picture…

Imagine you are a naughty three-year-old boy, happily jumping with joy. You cannot sit still for a second, and while you are certainly being naughty, you are doing things with enthusiasm and joy. It is an enthusiasm and joy that’s pure, sincere, and full speed. A well-intentioned adult then comes along and tells you “Hey, kid, stop jumping around! You’ll get yourself hurt.” As you carry on being naughty, the adult’s response may grow harsher, which can progress to ranting and raving. It may even end up with you bursting into tears. As you shed your tears, your subconscious tells you, “It’s not good to give into sudden bursts of enthusiasm. Don’t jump up and down like that ever again, because the adults will get angry with you and make you cry.”

As the years go by, you slowly grow up. At age five, the nursery you attend organizes a show. You feel very excited about your part in the show, and once more, you can’t help but be excited. The families of the children are all asked to donate food for the audience, so your daddy buys a cake. You ask to be the one to carry the cake, but as you lift it up, the packaging tears apart and the cake falls on the floor. Your daddy scolds you, and the enthusiasm and desire felt inside remains unexpressed as the enjoyment is ruined for you. The show you are about to take part in becomes meaningless, and a sour-faced, disappointed kid replaces the enthusiastic one. You are a kid who hears the conversation between his subconscious and conscious minds: “I warned you to not let go of yourself like that! You never learn, do you? Look what you’ve done!” It’s such a shame to be scarred for 20 years just because of a mere cake.

For the first time in your life, your grandma visits your house. You excitedly show off all your toys to her. You feel happy to see her, but as the minutes pass, you realize she didn’t come to see you but rather to argue with your mother. In between the screaming between your mother and grandmother, your soul, which is so sensitive to the energy around you, begins to suffer. After a short time, you find yourself sitting with your crying mother in a locked room and playing with a toy car. Two or three hours later, you leave the room knowing that over the years a part of you will remain in that room and recall the conversation between your conscious and subconscious: “I’ve kept warning you about it, but you insist on making the same mistake over and over! This is what happens when you’re enthusiastic, especially in front of a loved one!”

At age seven, you still attend the nursery. Because you’re older than the others, the teachers separate you from them, and this rubs the fear of loneliness into your subconscious. When it’s time for the afternoon nap, even though you are supposed to stay in bed, you dare to get out because you expect to see you your mother and thought you heard her voice. The bleach-blonde teacher, who sees you are awake and out of bed, throws you back into the room and begins to kick you. You try to protect yourself, but she keeps on beating, kicking, and slapping you. Your soul is wounded, and your subconscious makes a note that you should be wary of bleach blondes. Moreover, you start to fear being hurt by brute force, and you hear your conscious saying to your subconscious, “What a pity? You thought you heard your mothers’ voice, eh? Yes, you may miss her because you’ve grown up in a nursery, but even the possibility she might be here made you provoke all this. Hey, don’t even think about being enthusiastic! This is the price you’ll pay!”

You accumulate this and similar experiences, and the kid inside you gradually becomes a lonely person who cannot express his feelings, who feels fear, who feels isolated and excluded, who cannot experience enthusiastic love, and who is scared of showing his feelings.

That joyful kid grows up to be a man who has sowed the seeds of prejudice in his subconscious. He desperately lacks love, but he is incapable of expressing himself. He fears joy and actively avoids it, soon becoming a solitary man. As he grows into an adult, he begins reflecting all his negative experiences to his fellows. Because he reflects these, he attempts to build a life that is in accordance with his thoughts. Once he believes himself to be “worthless,” “insufficient,” “unworthy of love,” and “incomplete,” he tends to create scenarios that he believes will justify his thoughts in an endless, self-fulfilling prophecy…

When his first love gives him her number and asks him to call, he feels the same feelings of joy that he felt while preparing for the nursery show. When he calls her, however, he hears her refusal over the phone when she says, “Don’t fall in love with me because my heart belongs to another man. I don’t want to lose you as well, so please just be my friend.” The first lifting of his heart then returns to the same old feelings. His subconscious starts yelling at him, “How many times do I have to tell you? Don’t you ever listen to a single word? You still insist on that enthusiasm thing, don’t you? Why can’t you see how it makes you suffer? By the way, I once mentioned this, but I guess I’ll have to repeat it: Kid, you are totally worthless! That’s why she doesn’t like you.”

From that time on, he becomes scared to express his feelings. Being new to adulthood, he will naturally have several more attempts, but he always faces experiences that reinforce his endemic thoughts of worthlessness, fueling the vicious cycle. On one hand, he seeks the love of his life just to satisfy his need to love and be loved, but on the other hand, he is always disappointed because he lives the events he thinks he is obliged to live, and this racks his brain in the end.

What he actually needed was a slap to rid him of these ridiculous thoughts, so finally the heavens steer him toward a scorpion woman, whose ultimate mission is to make men regain their consciousness. The boy falls in love with this girl, and for the first time in his life, he feels what it means to be loved and to love in return. But the girl was there for something else and leaves his life the way it was when she entered. The boy struggles to get her to return to him while his subconscious delivers the old messages again and again. He does everything to try to secure her return, and the girl becomes extremely gratified with all this of course. It was ultimately a game where both sides were satisfied: The boy was trying to guarantee her return, living a partial relationship in the process, and there was nothing for the girl to complain about, because she was only taking what was offered to her. Then one day, while the boy still expects her return, he finds out she has started dating someone else. His whole world comes crashing down at that moment, and the messages sent from his conscious to his subconscious turn from being small sentences into whole pages. The boy settles into a corner of the room and sits on his own.

He then realizes it was actually a relationship, even though it was not lived completely and something was missing, so he regains his consciousness. This was a great gift given by her to him. From this time on, he understands what he expects from a girl, and he feels the strength to find it. He realizes he can create such a girl and relationship, just like how he gave shape to the things he lived in his past. He is strangely not afraid anymore, having hit rock bottom and bounced back. He defines the love of his life to a very close friend on ICQ, defining her from within. The next day he meets her, and he is shocked, but he begins to get to know her.

On the way to the classroom one day, he sees a man waiting for somebody. He suddenly finds himself suspicious of this man and asks himself, “There are 180 students in this class, so why am I suspicious of that man? Could he be having an affair with the woman of my dreams?” These thoughts are actually his subconscious expressing how there are other men who are more valuable and better than he is. It says, “The girls, my friend, always choose those over you, just like you’ve experienced many times before. Don’t be surprised when you see her passionately embrace that guy!” His inner voice again turns out to be right. He watches the girl put her arms around that guy without a hint of surprise. What does surprise him, however, is the look in her eyes, a look that says she’s sorry. This look will anger the man toward all women and everything they do. He once more faces his inner voice.

Right when he was ready to love again, the doors slammed in his face once more. After a short while, he hears the girl has broken up with that man, and he finds himself dating her within a week. He is surprised by this and how fast it happened. The love between them lasts for three years, and this makes the boy think he has finally found what he was searching for. Moreover, he begins to understand what should and should not be done in a long-term relationship, but during these three years, he continues to hear his inner voice. Even in times of happiness, he finds himself scared of something he can’t quite put his finger on. As happens with all his relationships, the relationship starts and comes to an end. This end hurts the man deeply, and when he learns of the existence of a third party, the pain he feels becomes deeper.

He finds himself alone and abandoned, surrounded by emptiness after the relationship. He feels paralyzed because he is in a state where he is unable to find the right path to follow. Just like his fellows, he searches for consolation and happiness in every heart he can win. Being experienced enough in relationships now, he easily finds someone to pass the time with, but when he realizes his new partner is starting to fall in love with him, he withdraws because he is scared of being loved as well as loving. Above all, the feelings of guilt that result from not being able to respond to the love of the women around him, and therefore breaking their hearts, makes him sink to the bottom. This continues for almost a year, and during this period, he feels as if he has opened up his heart to just one person. What he once experienced with that girl actually summarizes everything. While travelling to meet with a girl for the very first time, he understands how the questions echoing in his brain about whether she will be there or not come from a basic fact: the fact he made the decision. Yes, it was his decision to live the pain and the drama so completely. He gets off the bus and waits two hours in the cold night for the girl to arrive. Several years later, he understands that what he did that night was just to create and live events that approved the messages of his subconscious. The heavens, which he blames for everything he went through, were just giving him what he asked for.

Only after a year can he manage to pull himself together and feel ready to love again. He makes a wish to the heavens to fall in love, and the heavens again give him what he desires. He meets a perfect girl and falls in love once more. When he realizes she is the love of his life, he faces the awful truth that his feelings will remain unreturned, and the bells inside his head begin to ring again. He tries to make himself believe they are nothing but a silly joke, but he cannot stop himself praying out of desperation. This is actually the beginning of a new process that will eventually give him more than he can imagine, but he is incapable of understanding this at first. He could go into depression right at that moment, but for the first time in his life, he feels he is ready to fight for love, and he is determined not to let his lover go. Even though he knows there will be nothing between him and her, he begins to nourish the feelings he raised inside for her. In spite of the unrequited love he lives, however, a part of him begins to fear love. He meets two perfect people at these times of painful love. As he tires of the equation of fear—breaking and being broken, and running away—he bids farewell to it, leaving himself ready for what follows.

He decides to avoid love, his old friends, and everything that had once connected him to the past. He decides to find one who will last forever and is worth fighting for. That is to say, he resets all his feelings. Meanwhile, his life begins to change. Very important changes start to take place in his life, and he is left with no option but to face his fears. This inevitably includes confronting his fear of loving, which has influenced his entire life. He feels like the fear is almost outside of his body, just like a callus on his foot. He thinks if he can remove the callus, his fear will end, but he ignores the possibility that the real fear is beneath the callus, within his body. Healing it is the only way to remove it, rather than peeling the callus away and causing more pain. To heal it, he needs to observe it and recognize its reasons, letting it repeatedly form calluses on his foot until it unburdens itself. He then finally understands the reason for his calluses: the shoes he wears are too tight for him. Because the cause of the calluses is his tight shoes, he needs to change them.

He then decides he will determine the reasons, one by one, for the things he has been through, and this will slowly remove his feet from those tight shoes. He will have perfectly fitting shoes to jump around freely in, just like he did in his childhood. First, however, he needs to get rid of his old shoes by talking to himself and working out which shoes will best fit his feet. With this in mind, he sits in front of the keyboard and starts writing.

This is actually a very interesting case, because love and fear are two concepts and energies that are totally opposite to each other…



Leave a Reply