I’m Mad, so Mad…

Conflict between two twin businessman sited next to a red wall

I can’t express how mad I got yesterday. I was raging and unable to get a grip on myself. I was exposed to a verbal assault from a family member. (It doesn’t matter who it was. We all have someone who plays this role in our lives, be it a parent, sibling, partner, relative, friend, etc.)

I grew unbearably angry, but I contained myself. Yet I still didn’t know how I should be approaching the matter. The only thing I knew for sure was that fighting back would be futile. Just then, I had the idea of trying my Osho Zen Tarot deck. I chose Serenity and Patience, which means to keep calm and let things ride. I then consulted my dear personal astrologer, Elif Hece, to ask if there was something amiss in the skies. She told me the eclipse squared my full moon, and she had already expected to get a message like this from me  eventually. I cooled down a little and quelled my temper, because I knew everything would be fine the next day, just like the sunny day that comes in the wake of a hurricane. So long as the ship remains afloat, the damage will be repaired some way or another…

I woke up this morning and all my anger was gone, just as I expected it would. The Conversations with God sequence tells us, “Do you know for what you are sleeping? Not to rest, for sure. It’s for you to come to me…” When I sleep, I visit God, and this soothes me…

I then told Zeynep Sevil Güven about what I’d been through. I asked her why I always have to face these compelling verbal attacks, because I’ve been experiencing these types of attacks from different people throughout my life. She told me, “Honey, you’re just not accepting and honoring the assailant in you. You’re not one of those who are cool and easy by nature. Firstly, you’re a Scorpio, and Scorpios are more than a little aggressive. Your energy is aggressive as well. Accept this and honor it. As long as you refuse to do this, it’ll be reflected right back at you.” Yes, she was right.

I’ve experienced an introverted aggression throughout my life. Deep down I was angry, but I never managed to express it. It accumulated inside me, making me swell. I’ve never been in a physical fight, not because I was afraid of being beaten up but rather because of the fear of losing control and the consequences of it. Believe it or not, the underlying reason for this is a past life experience with a burdensome cost. This is an unspeakable experience, but at the core of it is an inability to contain oneself that consequently hurts the innocent. There have been lifetimes spent cleaning the karma it created… Yes, I’m a very angry smurf deep inside. I admit it.

I then started thinking about accepting and transforming this power. All of a sudden, I recalled the game Civilization 5. There’s no other PC game that widens one’s horizons so much, and I’m the head of the biggest civilization in the world with the Egyptians at the moment. I can do whatever I please. I could create countless troops and conquer more of the world, and what’s more, I could invent atomic weapons and terrorize the entire world. I’m that powerful.

So, how do you think I play this game? I actually don’t create a single soldier, because I spend all my energy on arts and culture. I’m continuously creating wonders, artists, musicians, and authors. I dedicate all my resources to creativity. The game took an unexpected twist when Tokyo, my biggest rival’s capital, decided to join me out of the blue. I had “captured” the city without firing a single bullet. This was the first time I had encountered such a thing in this game. I became a superpower just with cultural and artistic activities, and I didn’t even spend a cent on weapons. I had made my choice to become the biggest cultural and artistic center in the world, even though I could have easily created an unstoppable military. I ended up channeling all my energy into creativity…

At this point, it dawned on me that I could transform my rage and use my power for good. Yes. I admit I have an aggressive energy. I’m furious, but I can choose not to use it to crush people. I can use it to create, just as I’m currently doing in Civilization. The choice is entirely up to me. I run the show and rule the game as I please. Besides, there’s no “better” way in this game. I can finish the game with a cultural victory, a military victory, a scientific victory, or a diplomatic victory. All of these possibilities are up to me, and the mere purpose of the game is to experience and enjoy it. I choose to learn how to channel this energy into something creative, because I have paid a heavy price for my wrath. Nonetheless, I know I’m not that easygoing, peaceful, and calm person inside. If anything, I’m the person with tightly clenched teeth and fists, ceaselessly fantasizing about blowing people he resents out of the water in all sorts of ways but never attempting to do so. And so it all blows up in my butt because I keep refusing it. I guess it’s about time I learn to channel this violent energy into something creative rather than destructive, embracing my aggressive, angry self and using this potent power as spiritual fuel.
Eternal thanks and love to those who helped me recognize my anger… 🙂

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