I’m one of those people who asks the grocer about his Zodiac sign while trying to buy some parsley. People’s signs are of great importance to me. I can, like a bolt out of the blue, tell if they will be a good friend, a faithful husband, or a dutiful citizen of their country and nation. My mother is very much the same; she can work out the plumber’s sign by just watching how he attends to her sink. You can hear her saying, “He must be a Virgo. His work is not sloppy, you see. He didn’t flood the kitchen like that other one did.” Since I’m very knowledgeable about this subject, I decided to enlighten you about men and their Zodiac signs.

ARIES: Goodness! There’s no other sign that’s more of an art-lover, gourmet and voyager. It’s so much so that he eventually drives you mad. You can’t wear this with that, eat this with that, or listen to this music without that liquor. I mean, he really lays it all on you. If you were to attend a cooking course with him, you’d find yourself pushed aside while he shows you how to peel the vegetables and ends up cooking the whole meal by himself. He has a roving eye that’s so huge you can’t fail to notice it! He’s colloquially described as the swagger whose head and butt move in different directions, but he tells you that he’s not a ladies’ man—he just likes to socialize with people to look cool. He’s friendly with all his ex-girlfriends, to the extent he’ll throw baby showers for them, but he’s a good, harmless person after all…

TAURUS: He has the head for financial affairs, but he’s really a disciplined, fun and vivacious person. He’s a very good cook, but he’s extremely grudging, so much so that he might be the herald of judgment day. Never will he forget the kindnesses or evils you do to him. He’s very fond of food, fun, and pleasure, and he thinks he’s the leader of his social circle when he isn’t. He can’t control even the slightest flow of emotion. He always gives his own life priority, so understand that if you told him you’re about to die, you’ll have to deal with rationale from him such as, “Hang on! I need to finish this. Try not to die until I’m finished, okay?” Taurus is one of the most principled signs that know how to say “no.” Well, no thanks.

GEMINI: These men are funny and entertaining, but that’s about it! Most of them are quick to fall in and out of love. There’s such excitement and such fun. Wow! And then bam! They snap out of it. These guys fail to maintain a relationship just about every time. Surely there must be a Gemini who is in a serious relationship, but I just haven’t met any for some strange reason. (What’s a serious relationship, anyway?) This doesn’t mean that they’ll wake up not loathing you just because they were in love with you last night. They’re avid workers; they dream big and want to become rich one day. On the other hand, when they fail, they tend to throw mud around and bad mouth everyone they know. They are all friendly and genial, and there’s nothing they won’t do for their friends. People like them a lot, because they’re entertaining and appealing people after all, but I think we shouldn’t expect too much from these guys.

CANCER: Ah ha! Keep this one, girls, because he’s the one to marry. Needless to say, they make great fathers. They are generally considerate, naive, loving, and affectionate people. They’re overly emotional, however, so there’s a good chance you’ll see plenty of tears at some point in your relationship. Don’t put them down, because I don’t have the heart to bear this. Because they’re very domestic and overwhelmed by compassion, their feminine sides might become exasperated over time. Women are usually jerks anyway, so they usually don’t go for Cancerian men, but once they start to sag with age, most of them will chase after Cancerian guys (wink). Finally, they are a bit overly fond of their mothers and can be a bit lazy as well, although it’s not a nuisance.

LEO: Hey dude, what’s with all the ego? Oh yeah, it’s that slice of the Zodiac again. They puff themselves up so much that they can capture an entire army by just shooting off their mouths. These guys certainly deserve the title of “king of the jungle,” because they come into this world just to hunt. Women, whether in the heavens or on the earth, are all for them. If you’re not strong or intelligent enough, you’ll end up being a doormat in this relationship. They love and adore intelligent women you see. They like to show off, and they won’t even dive into the sea unless there are at least three people around. They need to be at the front, even when queuing for the washroom, because they have a severe leadership psychosis. They’re good friends, however. They like good food, conversation, the arts, and music, and that just takes the cake.

VIRGO: Are we ready? Here we go: Don’t look down on a moody, paranoid lunatic, because they’re just Virgos. It’s the last sign that a woman would want in a relationship (with exceptions of course), but generally they’re “fatal errors”! This man will tell you he’ll cook lasagna for you, but when he goes out shopping to buy some ground beef, he never comes back. They have big moves. Each of them hides an artistic side deep within their souls, hence their continual suffering and crisis. They can hide their feelings like an Agatha Christie character; they’re intellectual and eternally lonely. I mean like forever alone. These men love or praise people from a considerable distance, yet their rage is surprisingly daring. Finally, Virgo is the most self-oriented sign of them all.

LIBRA: Libra is an air sign, so this man lives his life like a steam iron. Libras are easy going and sympathetic, and they’ll never play the devil because they’re willing to go your way. They’re whimsical and can alternate between tennis and archery courses. If some friends were to move to Namibia, they wouldn’t waste a moment in researching the geography and the climate of the place in preparation of following them. They hate loneliness and constantly search for a mate. They can never play it cool near a well-groomed, beautiful woman. Librans are good hearted and harmless people, and they are intelligent and sensitive. However, marriage and Libra are to each other like Courtney Love and Dave Grohl. Show them love, have some fun, and go to places, but at the end of the day, get back to the safety of home right away.

SCORPIO: Just as Suleiman the Magnificent’s kiblah was his conscience, the needle of a Scorpio man’s compass is his weenie. These men greatly deserve the effects of their reputation, because they keep hearing the same old exclamation from girls: “A Scorpio? Yew, aren’t they lecherous!” A Scorpio is talkative, funny, and comfortable, and he doesn’t rush at his work. If they become rich, it will be most probably due to chance. They greatly benefit from underground literature that gets the fingers of youths burned. They’re oh so rebellious and reckless with their so-called cool attitude… Now that’s a Scorpio for you. They easily fall in love, but to get them down the aisle is a tall order.

SAGITTARIUS: He’s the BFF of all girls and a diehard companion during hard times. These jackals are highly favored. Sagittarians are rare people that try to learn from their mistakes but heroically fail at it. They are prone to order champagne when they’re on a beer budget, because they are far from disciplined and tend to philander at all costs. Really though, they have the Johnny Depp effect on girls; women crave for a Sagittarian to go with them shopping, on vacation, or to a concert. When their girlfriends make a fuss about the number of girls around them, they successfully fool them into believing they are just world citizens with lots of friends. Sagittarian men are the Happy Feet of girls, and they are really cute. This isn’t a lie, because I like these punks as well.

CAPRICORN: Capricorns constantly try to hitch their wagons to the stars. They’re cheerful and jolly but very stubborn. They never get out of their depth, so they keep suffocating people until they finally grasp the logic of a matter. They’re rigorous and tidy, so much so that you can easily mistake them for a retired colonel. They’re loyal, but they have their own rules. Now, this one is important: They never cheat. They’re hot and cold blooded at the same time, but they never hold a grudge. They worship their mothers, and they readily get hitched once they find a respectable girl that’s like their mother. They know their limits, and they don’t waste their money, so don’t expect them to have your name painted in the sky by a jet plane. However, you should expect your children to get into a private school. They’re secretly jealous of their partners, jealous almost to the extent of throwing them out of the car, but they never actually throw them out, and that’s what matters. They’re obsessed, critical, and squeamish. It’s like each of them is in fact a Simon Cowell.

AQUARIUS: This one’s a bit of a megalomaniac. An Aquarian man gets nonplussed by his excessive amount of talent and intelligence every time he thinks about it. He’s creative, funny, and fastidious. He sets the bar high, so he tends to be left on the shelf. He’s very fond of technology, searching Google for information on the iPhone 6 when the iPhone 5 is still being developed. He likes to create baseless dramas in his head. He’s patient, but once he reaches his limit, he brings down the house like the best new band of the year. He’s yet another genial man who can donate a kidney to a friend, yet he’s too lazy to take his mother to Walmart. His social circle is fairly large. He wants to become a jet pilot one day and an actor the next. As you can see, he’s a stargazer. I’m not saying this just because I’m also an Aquarian, but they’re all intellectual, more so than you can ever be.

PISCES: He takes shelter first in his jokes, and then his god, when trying to chat up a girl. He kind of has a diva kink; he doesn’t eat everywhere and doesn’t chum up with everyone. He’s intelligent and funny, but he’s also self-indulgent. Given half the chance, he would cover the whole world with loveseats and the entire south with air conditioners. He can be tight-assed, although it doesn’t last long. He’s very emotional by nature and can easily be discouraged, and many Piscean men like alcohol for this simple reason. He’s very fond of his home and family. His mood easily sways from one pole to the other, and the same baseless drama of the Aquarian men is also present in Pisces. He has hysterical attacks from time to time, thinking that the whole world opposes him. He’s a favorite lover and a good friend. The sign of Pisces has the lowest chance of cheating in relationships, but nevertheless, pray that he won’t go astray.