Some nights in bed, you find yourself looking over with astonishment and thinking, “I still can’t believe it. Are you real?” You can’t believe your countless years of loneliness are over. You almost feel petrified, don’t you? Before, you were an expert in the vicious cycle of seeking, finding, and loosing somebody, followed by self-pity. And now, you feel like a stranger in your new environment, don’t you? Let us explore this new environment together.
Are you Real?
Yes, the person lying next to you is a real flesh-and-blood person, just like you. But this person is certainly not perfect and has his or her own faults, grief, self-pity, embarrassment, and other deficiencies, just as you do. I bet he or she also wakes up in the middle of the night and looks at you, trying to understand whether you are real or not. At this point, it is essential to understand that you are not each other’s saviors. You are fellow travelers. You ran into each other during your life journeys, and now you walk together. This may last for a while, or it may finish quickly. It may last for a lifetime, or it may end in a few months. Strictly speaking, it’s not important how long your relationship lasts. Relationships continue for as long as the souls carry on giving and sharing.
This information might seem depressing, because we like to hold on to things forever. However, if a relationship is not beneficial for the two souls anymore—or, in other words, if the souls cannot give anything to each other—then it’s time for them to split up and start searching alone for new experiences to enrich their lives. On some occasions, a relationship is so rich and strong that it lasts a lifetime, but we shouldn’t consider this an ideal relationship, because when it comes to life, ideals limit people. You could spend 60 years with a single person, or live an equally fulfilled life spending a decade each with six different people. The critical point here is to live our lives in fulfillment. The rest takes shape depending on how your soul wants to live it. On the other hand, “forever” is an extremely long time, and the universe is so massive that it’s unimaginable. Even though it’s certainly not been proven yet, I believe we exist in many different roles in different parts of the universe at different times. In other words, I believe our life journeys are not limited to this current life. However, without doubt, we have the life we live in now, and we should aim to embellish it.
What About the Fear of Losing?
People without self-completion have the fear of loss. They only feel completed when their partners nullify their deficiencies, but unfortunately this doesn’t last forever. They don’t want to be deprived of this feeling, but eventually they have to confront their fears because the system of the universe demands that everyone experience self-completion. What’s more, no one has enough self-energy to complete another person’s life permanently. Sooner or later, one partner becomes exhausted, and they fall out and go different ways. Individuals should always seek new opportunities to improve their self-development. It is an essential precondition for your self-completion to confront yourself, even if it is arduous. As soon as you accomplish this, people in your life, or those who may potentially be included in your life, become your fellow travelers rather than your potential saviors or completers. You can then have relationships in comfort, fulfillment, and joy. No fears can survive in this climate. Unfortunately, if you have fear inside you, you can’t feel the love. “I love him so much. That’s why I’m scared of losing him” is an illusionary way of thinking because loving someone very much does not fit with the fear of losing that person. On the contrary, you just want to enjoy every single moment together for as long as you can.
In true love, there are no expectations or questions like “I love you, but why don’t you behave like I want you to?” They are no battles of egos, interference in each other’s lives, or (most importantly) any claim of ownership over each other. In true love, two fellow travelers happily walk together without needing another special person in their lives. This is not because you are already in a relationship or you feel responsible for your loved one. It’s because you feel happy and satisfied with yourself, and you are happy sharing your life with your fellow traveler, so you simply don’t need to find anyone else. Relationships continue with self-choice rather than enforcement, and only those content with themselves can have good relationships.
Does your Loved One Make Mistakes?
This is natural. You also make mistakes in life, don’t you? Your partner may be the one you’ve been waiting years for, but no human being is perfect. That person might have habits or behaviors you don’t like while being totally unaware of them, thinking it normal to behave that way. Before dwelling on conceptual discussions, let me talk about the percentages of perfection. There is no such thing as 100 percent perfection. The target should be around 80 percent, because you should always give people a margin of 20 percent. You may think a person is 100 percent perfect at first, but eventually he or she will make a mistake. If you don’t give people the margin to make mistakes, you will definitely find yourself disappointed and fall out with them.
You might even consider ending the relationship, but if you conduct your relationships on this basis, you will inevitably find yourself alone. You should also allow some margin of error for yourself, because you cannot be 100 percent perfect either. A target of 80 percent is good for you too. This gives you the space for self-development, and at least you won’t feel regret when you get hurt or make mistakes. This 20 percent margin is essential in one-to-one relationships.
If you try to identify the other person’s habits that you dislike and observe your reactions to them, you will definitely improve yourself psychologically. This is because the reactions come from ourselves. It’s likely that partners rub salt into your wounds with their habits, and this makes us angry with them. Let me give some examples. A woman saying, “He was looking at that girl sitting at the next table. How could he do this to me?” is maybe thinking, “Is that girl prettier than me? Why is he looking at her? I know I am not pretty.” A deeper interpretation could be, “No one will love me if I am not pretty.” An even deeper interpretation might be, “I cannot be loved by anybody,” and in the deepest interpretation: “I do not deserve to be loved.”
Do you know that souls promise to improve each other before they enter each other’s lives? Without doubt, a soul enters your life to make you confront the feeling of not loving yourself. If this happens in such a way that you go mad with the situation, open your eyes and see the wound in yourself. As soon as you see the wound, you can start healing it. If you can achieve this, your energy will become positive. The person in your life will no longer look at other members of the opposite sex, or even if he or she does, you will just smile. People may leave your life when they have nothing left to give you, and later, a new person will come into your life. The possibilities are endless in the universe, and everything relies on living a joyful life.
Doesn’t Love Last Forever?
Dear writer, I think you’re a nerd. I waited ages for this man. Now I’ve found him, but you’re telling me lots of garbage. Is it so difficult to accept that we will grow old together? He will love only me and look passionately into my eyes until death do us part.
I know you are probably thinking something like this about me right now, but I’m sorry for not writing The Twilight Saga. Besides, I wonder how happy Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are in their real-life relationships. Does love last forever? Yes, it does, but when it comes to relationships, it gets complicated. Even if both of you are very good people, it doesn’t mean that your relationship will be perfect. It might not work out, but it could also go perfectly. You can never know. It depends on how much effort you put into the relationship.
This is just like growing houseplants. When you buy the plant from the shop, it looks perfect, but over time it starts to wilt unless you take good care of it. Despite this, your love for houseplants is undiminished. Putting effort into a relationship should be understood correctly. People often tend to think selfishly, such as “Darling, if you do what I want and show constant interest in me, this relationship will work.” Sometimes they just give too much and the other person bores of it. In fact, it should be just like breathing where you inhale and exhale exactly the same amount. Likewise, in a relationship you should give and receive the same over time and vice versa.
When you ruin this balance, you will start feeling pressured and tired. On the other hand, people who have integrity in themselves do not need any special effort to make their relationships work. It just happens automatically. Think about this: Do you water your plants under the pressure of duty? Or do you water them because they are a part of your life? Relationships are just like this. If the effort is mutual, it grows and develops. If not, it ultimately blows out. If you can’t find a fine balance, you will most probably, at some stage, thank each other and go your separate ways. But if you can find this fine balance, you will most likely live a joyful life with your endless love. You see, the equation is that easy!
Hasan Sonsuz Çeliktaş
The Wise Search
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