One of my counselees told me about her boyfriend and asked me: ‘Why does he text to her ex-girlfriend when he is with me?’
I don’t find it helpful to ask ‘why’ questions about others. It helps nothing but confusing the mind. Because you don’t have the answer. You will never be sure about it no matter what your answer is. Your mind will keep asking the same question and your mind will get confused each time you ask. (Cancel)
During the session, we developed a formula for those who ask these ‘why’ questions frequently. Here is the formula:
1. Catch your ‘why’ question
Why does he text to his ex-girlfriend when he is with me?
2. Ask yourself this question: ‘What do I see here?’
I see a boyfriend who doesn’t value me.
3. Ask yourself this question: ‘In what ways do I do the same thing?’
In what ways do I not value him?
Your first answer to the last question will probably be ‘Of course I value him greatly.’ Don’t be fooled by this answer and ask yourself the same question at least two or three times more. Eventhough my counselee claimed at first that she really valued her boyfriend, she later realized that she was actually comparing him with her ex-boyfriends, thinking that they were more handsome than him. Even such a comparison decreases the value she gives to him.
If you are honest with yourself, you will see that you somehow do the same thing that you are trying to understand about him. If you still can’t see in which ways you don’t value him, then ask yourself this question: In what ways do I not value myself? We realized that my counselee was really upset about the situation but she never expressed her sadness. Not being able to express yourself clearly is typical for a person who doesn’t value herself…
As a result, instead of trying to understand the other person through asking questions starting with ‘why’, begin by observing yourself.
Find out how you behave him or yourself in a similar way. Remember, the world will change as you change. Like attracts like. Unless you change, you will face the same problems eventhough someone else comes into your life. And he will keep texting his ex-girlfriend just as your boyfriend does now.

Hakan Arabacıoğlu