After finishing my meal, like usual, I started washing the graniteware food-tray that had four small and one big division. While I was scraping the food remnants off the tray with my spoon, I contemplated over the concept of love and how it originated. I think, this phenomenon, because of which many empires have collapsed and epics narrated, is a sense-dependent concept, and the consequences it can cause upon lack of sense-control is totally unpredictable. Love is an emotional bonus which can make you both hug the whole world and ebb down to the end of magma. Love, the torrent of passions, can be a hallucinatory concept nourished by the ephemeral nature of emotions. While I was making this analysis, I considered how I surfed with the waves of my ex-loves; but simultaneously it was as if I was watching someone inconnu. Later, Kalyani told me that, from the harshness of my scraping, she presumed I was taking revenge on someone. However, right at that time, I was impressed with the conclusion I made: “Waow! Love is both bliss and curse!” Of course by then, I did not know in Thailand this subject would take another dimension with the teachings of the first monastery I will visit, and then, it would be far harder to assimilate.
When I was just thinking that this phase is over, and I can go to do my karma yoga, Balveer made me stop. I did not mention about Balveer. Me and Balveer had a deep connection with respect to our experiences during the training, just like the way I had with Kalyani and Dhidam. He said: “Lately, I have realized something; sometimes I am afraid of myself”. He was talking about the subject of the power of thoughts, how he can make something come true when he wants and fend off when he doesn’t want, but the problem is that he cannot do this upon control…If you can have this kind of experience within your control, then it means you have a pleasurable relation with the mind; but, when it is out of control it is crucially illusive. This is because, up to now, whereas the thoughts which I canalized into the path of service with good-intention has become like bliss; the thoughts which I leaned against with my ego and hubris, just like a super-power, hit me back harshly like a curse.
Hearing this experience from him, which I have similarly realized just a minute ago, made me smile. He asked me what he should do; and I considered what I had done. Cogitating about my intention in my every act saves me from the possibility of falling into the trap of super-power. In other words, for example, one day, when I was on the bus, a person got on the and he was talking on the phone loudly. I wished so sincerely that I didn’t want him next to me. Then, indeed that new guy sat somewhere away from me.
This is absolutely not a coincidence. Not only this but also, one of my old friends texts me simultaneously when I am thinking about her. Again, this is not a coincidence. What is more, everything which I have desired before setting foot on the way comes to me by itself or whenever I close myself off for communication, people are not able to reach me. Again, all these are not coincidences. Nevertheless, of course, narrating these experiences without any good-intention but with implications of super-hero arrogance will convert them into superficial and shallow cases.
In order to give a more concrete response to Balveer, I exemplified the subject with the concept of physical power. Once, he was going to make a correction in my shoulder-stand in an asana class. Instead of giving a slight touch to my legs which were swinging in the air, he held me from my ankles and lifted whilst I was inverted. In the end, of course all the class responded with fearful shouts and surprised laughs. He did this because he did not know how to control his power. I could have been injured but he was not even aware of this possibility. Similarly, whereas controlling the thoughts can be bliss, uncontrolled usage of this power can transform it into a curse-like state. In the end, this energy with consciousness, without falling into the illusion of being a super-hero, of course, requires meditation as a gate.
During my karma yoga time, something unpredictable happened. The mind got so high that it looked for all kinds of restless activities. I wanted to dance with loud music in all those beach parties to which if they have invited me before, I would not have gone. It was not that hard to find the reason lying behind this change. While doing my karma yoga, for two days, I listened to music with Kalyani’s ipod. Since the mind did not receive any loud and energetic music for the last 6 weeks, naturally, music triggered it. Although I realized that this restlessness is a temporary illusion, I knew that if I do not free this energy now, it would unnecessarily continue to intensify. I had to talk immediately.
I ran next to Ana with my sleeves folded and broomstick in the hand. Ana is a lovely karma yogini, who is responsible from the dormitories; she is the third roommate of me and Kalyani. I said: “I was born into the diversity of the city; I was raised right in the middle of it. Sometimes, after that variety, I am having difficulty while staying here. Two days of listening to music triggered the mind. Think about it, I am going to leave here soon and the ashram life will be far, far away; I will again be within the diversification and crowd; then, what is going to happen?” I do not know how terrified I was looking; she just held me and said: “Now, I am here. I don’t know how much I will stay here. After all these years of travelling and doing various things, now I see that I am alone. Yes, now you are here; but in the end, all of us are alone.”
Actually she was talking about her situation, initially the response looked irrelevant but in the end it hit me with the fact of loneliness. Right after then, I stopped for 10 minutes and I contemplated about all the things I said so far again and again. Everything looked so meaningless. All of the illusions disappeared under the umbrella of the liberating effect of solitude and Self-discovery. I changed only my viewpoint; and the mind took a different form in one second. I guess the real bliss and curse is the mind itself.