Don Miguel Ruiz Jr. on Awakening from the Dream, Free Will and Unconditional Love

Hasan Sonsuz Çeliktaş:
Welcome! It’s a great pleasure to welcome you here. Yesterday, I was at your presentation. The first time I saw you, you were coming out of the elevator, and you had a smile on your face. You were shining. I saw your hat and said, “This must be Don Miguel Ruiz, Jr. What an energy and aura. What a smile!”

Don Miguel Ruiz, Jr:
I enjoy my life. It’s a good life to live.

Awakening from the Dream

Hasan Sonsuz Çeliktaş:
I want to ask you about your book, The Four Agreements. It’s also popular in Turkey. You told me yesterday that we are in a dream. We’re living in a dream. How can we awaken?

Don Miguel Ruiz, Jr:
The thing is that in the Toltec tradition, the main function of the mind is to dream. To dream simply means to perceive and to project when I’m dreaming. Because I’m awake, we call it an awakening dream. I’m perceiving you. I can hear you. I can feel the whole environment around. I can feel this chair. I can feel the light. I can feel the air…I’m constantly perceiving 360 degrees, because the nerves surrounding my body allow me to perceive. So right now, I’m awake and I’m dreaming. I’m projecting right now. You hear me. I talk to you, feeling the diaphragm pushing the air through the trachea to the muscles of my mouth. I talk to you in English to communicate, so we can understand each other. If you spoke Turkish and I spoke Spanish, we wouldn’t understand each other. We come from different cultures, so we find a common language we understand, English. So, we interact. We’re awake. We have materials around. Time is linear.

So, I’m dreaming. I’m also dreaming when I’m asleep. When I’m asleep, I don’t see you. Right now, I’m awake, and I see the light bouncing off you. I’m seeing the light bouncing off your matter. Your body, your hair…I can see it all in my retina. This is how I’m able to perceive it. Sounds come to me. If I see you in my dream, I’m not really seeing you because it’s not light bouncing off matter. It’s not sounds I’m hearing. It’s my own projection. I’m creating something. Of course, I’m perceiving when I’m sleeping, and I have a dream, a lucid dream.

It’s basically this…I don’t know. I don’t know the answer, but what I do know is I’m perceiving you. I’m at the constant point of perception when I’m awake and when I’m sleeping. My reason is that this compass allows me to see the difference between these two. Becoming awake is to become aware of what I’m perceiving. The main function of my mind is to dream. So, to become awake simply means to see life as it is. You see, I’m not only perceiving life around me, I’m perceiving within me as well. I’m perceiving my own thoughts. Right now, I’m perceiving. I can imagine my wife. I can imagine a soccer or football game playing in my own mind. It’s not here. It’s virtual reality. It’s virtual in my mind. So, to become awake is to simply allow myself to perceive life as it is without distortion. Allowing the information to come as it is. We are able to see an object without seeing the word for it. The word “lamp” is projected onto it. I see the object itself.

I see you whatever your name is, whatever you call yourself, whatever your mom calls you, and whatever you call yourself to your friends. They use words that describe you in their own image and perception of you. But that captures only a part of who you are. To be able to see who you are is not to see yourself as a definition but the experience in you. What is it to be you? What do you enjoy doing? What are you doing in life that makes you feel happy and alive? To me it’s awakening, because all of a sudden, in my perception, my beliefs do not distort my perception. My attached beliefs don’t make me see what I want to see. This is what happens when I am so attached to my beliefs — I only see what I want to see, like Don Quijote de la Mancha in the novel by Miguel de Cervantes. He is so in love with the books of chivalry that one day he becomes Don Quijote. Instead of seeing windmills, he sees giants. Instead of seeing a thin old horse called Rocinante, he sees a stallion. He sees a village girl upon whom he projects the image of Dulcinea. He never truly knows her, because he sees what he wants to see, especially in himself. His real name is Alonso Quijano, but to him, he is Don Quijote de la Mancha. He only sees himself as he wants to see himself.

When this happens, we only accept ourselves if we live up to that image. If we don’t live up to that image, we reject ourselves completely. And if we reject ourselves, we do the same thing to everyone else. This is where everything gets complicated, because now we’re trying to domesticate everyone to live up to a projected image of how they should be. This lamp should always be this lamp. This table should always be this table, without ever really seeing what it is. It’s the same for you — if I only see what I want to see, you should always live up to my expectations. If you don’t, you’ll be punished; if you do, you get a reward. This is blindness — conditional love. So, you could say that to awaken is simply to wake up from the dream that conditional love created in our lives. This conditional love can be very dangerous, because it can lead to killing someone in the name of it, when they don’t live up to expectations, never really seeing that we’re all equal and have the same rights. You and I come from different cultures, but we are both alive at the same time. Right now, for example, we speak the same language because we have a desire to understand each other. That’s the purpose. That’s the key. We can say that we wake up when we’re willing to see life only as it is — not from the point of view of someone else, and most importantly, not from our own point of view.

Do We Need a Purpose in Life?

Hasan Sonsuz Çeliktaş:
I receive so many questions about this subject. Do we have to know our purpose in life — the main purpose, the soul’s purpose? Many people ask themselves, “What is my purpose in life?” Do we have to know our purpose in life? What do you think?

Don Miguel Ruiz, Jr:
Let me take something you’ve just said: “have to”… Do we “have to” have a purpose?

You hear this domestication everywhere. It’s in the system — it’s there for punishment or reward. I “have to” achieve this image; if I live up to it, I will be loved, so I always “have to” live up to this image. Otherwise, I won’t be loved. If I don’t, I reject myself. At this point, any purpose, agreement, or idea that comes into your mind comes from outside. If we believe it, it can control our lives forever — especially if we use the term “have to.” If we turn it around and look at it from a totally different point of view — instead of living up to someone else’s image, what if we start loving ourselves just the way we are? Am I willing to see who I am? All of a sudden, “have to” transforms into “want to.” What do I want from life? What do I want to manifest? Passion is doing something we love to do. Because we are alive, we can go any direction — 360 degrees around us — and our passion is what allows us to say, “This is the direction I want to take.” Of course, the world keeps saying you “have to” go this way or that way, and if we listen to them and believe them, we live someone else’s life. We’re only here for a very short time. Imagine living seventy years from someone else’s viewpoint, never really expressing your free will. But if you see yourself and ask, “How do I want my life to be?” — today is the youngest I will ever be — then the goals and expectations of other people, the carrot everyone chases, dissolve. What happens if you eat the carrot, and it nurtures you, and steers you in a direction you actually want to create? From that point of view, it’s a totally different way of living life. Instead of “having to” have a purpose, I live life with passion. For me, unconditional love is a choice.

Passion, Freedom and The Four Agreements

Hasan Sonsuz Çeliktaş:
At that point, we sometimes confuse our passion with god’s passion. How can we separate these, because we feel passion like, “Yes, I want this! I want this!”

Don Miguel Ruiz, Jr:
I want to mention my family’s book, The Four Agreements. It will be easier to explain using my family’s tradition. What you’re describing as passion is often really the obsession with living up to an image that doesn’t exist.

The Four Agreements:

• Don’t take things personally.
• Always do your best.
• Be impeccable with your word.
• Don’t make assumptions.

The word “agreement” actually reflects saying yes. If I become obsessed with living up to it, I would judge myself every time I don’t meet that expectation — it becomes an obsession, and I corrupt the four agreements and undermine my own personal freedom. Domestication and conditional love distort it. These four agreements are beautiful instruments of love, just like any other expression of art — the way we love God, the way we love each other, the way we love Mother Earth. Passion is saying, “I want to do this.” Take “Don’t take things personally” — it starts with becoming aware of the truth and accepting it. I don’t take things personally because I don’t punish myself; I accept the truth. But I’m also free to say, “Yes, I want to take it personally” if I choose to. The book shows me that I have that choice. It’s like a cookbook: if you only read the recipes, you’ll never know what they taste like — you have to follow them. The first time, you may succeed or fail, but practice makes perfect, and soon you start adjusting the ingredients to suit your own taste. That’s when the recipe becomes alive — when you use it as an instrument because you want to, not because you have to. If I say “yes” only because I “have to,” it’s not free will.

The Freedom to Say Yes or No

Hasan Sonsuz Çeliktaş:
When you say “yes” or “no,” sometimes it is really hard to say “no.” We always tend to say “yes,” and this gives us a good feeling. But sometimes we have to say “no.” Can you tell me the difference between yes and no?

Don Miguel Ruiz, Jr:
When you say yes, it’s a word that describes a choice to manifest something, using the energy that animates this body and this mind. “Miguel, move the lamp.” Yes — [he lifts the lamp] — that’s my choice. No means: “Miguel, pick up the lamp.” No — I choose not to use my energy for this. To have free will is to be able to say yes or no with complete freedom. When I say no, it’s because I mean it, and I say it with sincere respect. People worry that saying no is disrespectful, but when they don’t say “no,” they’re really disrespecting themselves by subjecting themselves to something they don’t want. It depends on what consequences you want in life. If I say “no” when that isn’t really what I want, I go against myself. But when I respect my own “no,” it allows me to respect your “no” too, because you have that same complete freedom. That allows me to be at peace with you, because I see you as an equal — we are alive at the same time.

I can say “no” calmly, and it’s beautiful — I’m not disrespecting either of us. But if I say “no” with anger, the problem is that I think anger is the only way to make people listen to me. It’s like I don’t trust my own “no,” so I try to add power to it with anger. When that happens, it lacks respect — not just for you, but for myself, because I don’t trust that my will is strong enough to simply say “no” kindly. When I have complete confidence, I don’t need anger or rage to say no. That same respect for myself lets me respect you, and feel truly grateful when we both say “yes.” I’m grateful that life said “yes” to me — that my wife said “yes,” that the people who came to my presentation said “yes,” that people who bought my books said “yes” — because I know they did it out of free will. When a waiter serves me well, I thank him, because he didn’t have to. Some might say it’s just his job, sure — but I’m still grateful he chose to do it well, and I recognize that.

Fear, Suffering and Our Emotions

Hasan Sonsuz Çeliktaş:
In the times of fear and suffering we’ve had in recent months in Turkey, how can we deal with our anger, fear, and suffering?

Don Miguel Ruiz, Jr:
First, be completely honest with yourself. Our emotions are real — but what triggers them may not be. For example, I held my baby in my arms the day he was born — such a blissful moment. Then my mind created a thought of sudden death, something I’d read about. My whole body was paralyzed with fear, even though nothing had happened — my son was healthy, right there in my arms. The fear I felt was real, but its cause was not. If we become aware that our emotions are real but what triggers them may not be, we can treat our emotional body like a car alarm — it reacts to something that hurts us, with anger, sadness, or melancholy.

What serves you best is becoming aware of an emotion you don’t like. Once it’s exposed, you can see it, change your mind about it, or forgive yourself. If we want to control our emotions instead of being controlled by them, we start by being honest with ourselves: this is how I feel. Do I want to keep feeling this way? If not, I redirect my attention. I’m constantly perceiving 360 degrees, and my attention determines what I focus on. What do I choose to perceive? What stories am I telling myself? There are many injustices in life, and our emotions can blind us — but we can still choose a response that nurtures rather than harms.

I let the emotion pass like a wave, and when it finishes, I redirect it. When a thought is making you angry, let the thought finish — don’t suppress it — and once it’s over, redirect it. It’s not denial, it’s focus: okay, this is the problem, how can I solve it in a way that has a healthy benefit? It’s a choice — I can choose to be a tyrant, or I can choose compassion and love. Nobody has that control but me. That’s true for every one of us. If people don’t believe they have free will, it’s because they don’t believe they have it. What brings us peace is mutual respect — within ourselves, and with other people.

“I’m Not This Body”

Hasan Sonsuz Çeliktaş:
It’s not a question, but rather a point that struck me in your presentation: your uncle’s death. Can you share it again? It was an extraordinary experience.

Don Miguel Ruiz, Jr:
My uncle was born in Vietnam. He came to the USA and married my aunt, becoming my uncle — he was my godfather at my first communion. About six years ago, they found him unconscious on the floor of his garage; his brain had swollen so much from the impact that doctors had to remove part of his skull to relieve the pressure. His brain was no longer perceiving — no longer dreaming, as we were talking about earlier. So my aunt and cousins made the choice to let him go. I was lucky enough to hold his hand. Even though he was unconscious, I could feel his presence, his warmth, his energy. Then his breathing changed, and there was a last breath, and he died. Beside the grief of losing him, my uncle taught me the biggest lesson of my life — one my grandmother and father had tried to teach me for years. While I was still holding his hand, I could feel him, and then, in the next moment, I no longer felt his presence. His warmth was gone. His hand had become rigid, as lifeless as this table. He had become an object — a corpse. He was gone. At that moment I remembered two lessons from high school physics: energy cannot be destroyed, only transformed; and to move an object, you must apply a force. I am the force that moves this body, that moves this mind. This body will die one day — tonight, tomorrow, or maybe when I’m 116, like my grandfather. But whatever happens, the difference between me and my corpse is that I’m alive. I can move the body, but I am not the body. What happens after I die, I don’t know — I’ll find out when I die. I was raised Catholic, which means we go back to God. My father also describes it as living your whole life from the viewpoint of a single drop, and when you pass away, that drop expands into the whole ocean. That’s beautiful.

But here’s the thing: I have plenty of life to live now. Today is the youngest day of my life. The past no longer exists, because I can’t go back and change it. The future is the consequence of the choices I make now. This energy we call the soul is the same energy that moves everything around us — the plants, the birds, everything alive. We are all one. When you hold a baby in your arms, you see infinite possibility — he may become a doctor, a lawyer, a writer, anything. The difference between that baby and me is that I’ve learned how to use this body and this mind. But I am not this mind. I am not this body. I am that energy, that spirit, that soul — I am the whole, just as you are. And we are all one.

Being Don Miguel Ruiz’s Son

Hasan Sonsuz Çeliktaş:
And one last question: what is it like to be the son of Don Miguel?

Don Miguel Ruiz, Jr:
It’s wonderful. He’s my dad. I love him so much. It’s fun to be with him.

Hasan Sonsuz Çeliktaş:
Thank you, Miguel.

Don Miguel Ruiz, Jr:
Thank you, Hasan.