Conversations with ‘My Inner I’. In this new series of dialogs, editor Hasan Sonsuz Celiktas talks to his inner self.
I: There are so many things that I need to deal with, and to be honest, I can’t deal with it all. One thing ends and another begins, and just as one task finally draws to a close, another one beckons me. My mind aches from the pressure. I don’t control anything, and I cannot predict what will happen. Oh boy.
Inner ‘I’: Take it easy. Just leave it to me.
I: But I can’t! I know you are the Creator, the source of vast and magnificent universes. All day and all night, in every possible way, you tell me to leave everything to you, but I can’t accept it somehow. Maybe I lack faith…
Inner ‘I’: So, you accept you can converse with your inner voice, but you don’t believe me when I ask you to leave things to me?
I: I want to, but we didn’t learn that way. We are taught that if we don’t strive for everything, we will never earn enough money to get on in life.
Inner ‘I’: Yes, I remember this from somewhere else. Didn’t you, as humanity, place the phrase Arbeit Macht Frei (“Work makes you free”) over the entrances toconcentration camps? This is the most extreme example of your slave consciousness. You worked, and you worked until you died, but it seems this experience was not enough. All of you are now slaves, and your freedom is an illusion.
I: Sure, you can criticize us, but you are the Creator! If you don’t like something, why don’t you just change it? Just say, “So be it!” and free us all.
Inner ‘I’: It doesn’t work like that, my child. All of us are our own persons. You tell me if you want this or not, and I experience this universe through each of you. If all of you collectively say, “So be it!” then it will be so. Do you think me a king that sits on a throne in heaven, ruling over everything? This is another example of your slave consciousness, picturing a god that looks down from above and plays with whatever he wishes.
I: Then what sort of Creator are you? If you leave it to us, you’re doomed. It will probably take forever…
Inner ‘I’: Man, this is why I tell you to surrender yourself to me. When I flow through you, I can activate your other parts. The more of these parts that wake up, the faster I can become. If my parts wish to be enslaved, however, there’s nothing I can do. You know, there are actually no distinctions like you and me. Like I said, slavery exists because we want it to, but when we look at the bigger picture, we realize we’ve had enough of slavery and decide to discover and reflect on ourselves. This is why I keep nudging you…
I: Thanks for nothing. Right now, there are just a few bucks in my pocket. You nudged me hard, but I’m still not awake, am I?
Inner ‘I’: Haven’t I been telling you for years to surrender yourself to me in every imaginable way, as well as in ways you cannot even imagine? You see, holding on to desire is like making a kite and never using it out of fear of losing it. We all love kites, right? They soar through the sky so majestically. You also make magnificent kites through your desires, so why not let them go? All those beautiful kites are sitting on the ground, so let them soar through the sky. Let them be swept along by my winds. After all, they’re still connected to you, and this connection is not there to control you. For this to happen, though, you need to let go of these kites. Once you let them go—surrendering them and, more importantly, yourself to me—I can make you fly high.
I: If I surrender myself and everything of mine to you, will there be anything left of me? Will I give up who I am, what I am? What if it doesn’t work out like you say? Can you imagine how disappointed I will be? After all, there’s already so little I can trust and rely on in this world…
Inner ‘I’: Ah yes, this is my favorite game. It’s the victim game, one of my most authentic inventions. In this way, you gradually learn your true power. You know, I act like a kindergarten teacher who needs to deal with a crybaby. I turn my back on you until you stop crying, and when you do finally stop, I reward you with a hug. Whatever you wish for, we’ll accomplish it together.
I: But why do you turn your back on me when I’m distressed? That’s just not nice! You are the Creator, but you would turn your back on us…
Inner ‘I’: My child, you do not solve your problems when you take the role of victim. You do not use your creative power but rather try to feed off others by looking for sympathy. You are like those little brats that cry for a parent’s lap when they could be playing and running around. Of course, I’ve had you on my lap many times, and I will do so many more times, but you can also stand on your own two feet. You are also capable of playing and running around. When you can play on the greenest grass under a sunny sky, why waste the day sitting on my lap? This is why I ignore you until you stop whining, yet I’m still there by your side.
I: Well then, if I have such power, why should I surrender everything to you? Then I’m the one doing and creating.
Inner ‘I’: Of course, you are the one who does, but we create together. However, your emotions right now are overstimulated, and your subconscious is full of junk. You constantly receive compelling signals from the world, trying to manipulate your perception. In the midst of this confusion, you have forgotten yourself, so I need to first remind you about yourself. We will create together. At first, you will leave it to me, and I will do it on your behalf. You will observe me, and then you will realize how everything is solved magnificently. Afterwards, you will gradually begin to understand that you and I are actually one. You will experience how life flows and how creativity can be so light to carry yet so powerful. From that moment on, your creations will be driven not by your instincts but rather by your spirit in the midst of the flow. Only then will you understand that you don’t need to control everything, so you will surrender yourself entirely. As you let go, you will soar high in the sky, just like a kite. From a man who makes kites just to look at them, you will come to experience what it’s like to fly them in the sky, and later on, you will become a kite yourself. As you soar through the sky, don’t worry, because a cord will connect you to me. Understand that this cord is without limits. Wherever you want to go, it will be long enough. Surrender yourself to me, so I can remind myself of me, so I can teach us about ourselves, and so I can show you how the things you regard as problems are actually magnificent gifts that I’ve bestowed on you.
I: So then, how can I surrender myself to you?
Inner ‘I’: Just lay your head on the pillow, and let the sleep wash over you. Just lay your head on the pillow. It’s that simple…
I: But I don’t even feel sleepy. I want to go running.
Inner ‘I’: Okay then. That was just a suggestion. Look, there’s some grass bordered with beautiful flowers. Take off your shoes and run there. When you return, this table will be covered with delicious food.
(I then take off my shoes, and my feet feel the grass. I turn sideways and see many young children ahead, each one standing next to a Creator, and all of them look different. At this moment, I feel so happy on realizing that I’m not alone. Maybe we’ll all play together on this succulent grass. I also see the ongoing preparations, and I know a great feast will be waiting on my return.)
I: I am surrendering to you, with everything I have, in all of my moments. Let there not be a single cell that refuses to surrender. May you flow into every corner of me, so all my parts will be filled by you. Be my guidance, as well as my life. I will talk to you, reflect you, write you, and live you. I will be wherever you wish me to be, and I will walk with whomever you wish me to walk with. I will realize whatever you wish me to realize. You are all my parts, and I am all my parts. You are me, and I am you. Remind me to be myself. Teach me how to be myself, and make me live as myself. I exist! I am myself, and I am what I am!
So be it!
I: I’d like to put a question to my dear inner voice: What’s the difference between surrender and fatalism? After reflecting on our previous conversation, I realized that surrender could be perceived as being fatalistic.
Inner “I”: Well, in your language, words ending in “-ist” or “-er” usually indicate some kind of tradesperson. For example, a grocer sells groceries, a driver drives some kind of vehicle, and a royalist promotes loyalty to a monarch. In this sense, a fatalist is someone who markets the fatalistic viewpoint. Such people are actually not interested in fate. They just see themselves as victims and broadcast the pain they experience, sucking up energy from their surroundings in the process. On the other hand, others attribute responsibility to a heavenly creator because they are not ready to take responsibility for themselves. Fatalism is just another way station on the spiritual journey. These spirits arrive there to experience it. When you meet them, greet them and offer them your love. Respect their choices, but don’t get caught in their ways. Feel free to consciously share your energy, but don’t let them exploit it. Well, until you learn otherwise, you will probably be exploited many times, but never mind that for now. At the moment, everything has its own place. Once the boundaries are set, you will know when and how to open yourself.
I: How can I make sure everything is in its rightful place? How will I know what should be where?
Inner “I”: That is why I exist. I constantly send you gifts, messages, and guidance. If you don’t receive any of these, I come to you in your dreams. If I see you still do not get it, I come to you by myself. If you still refuse to see, well, let’s just say there are other ways.
I: Such as?
Inner “I”: It could be an illness or an accident, or maybe you’ll be the object of some crime, something like that…
I: But why would you do such a thing? Isn’t there a more humane way of getting your message across? Why would you make us sick?
Inner “I”: Why do I need to make you sick? Before you came here, you wrote in your life plan that I should do whatever it takes to wake you up. It’s like when you have an important appointment early in the morning, so you ask a friend to do whatever it takes to wake you, even if it means throwing a bucket of water over you. Yet when the water is thrown over your sleeping body, you simply swear and curse. Take a moment to consider who is acting shamefully here.
I: But you are the Creator! You are the Higher Self within me. Your choice of words is interesting, though. Do you resent me?
Inner “I”: You behave shamefully toward yourself. You offend yourself. You break the promises that you made to yourself. Afterwards, when you refuse to take responsibility, you blame others. You waste your power here and there. It’s like buying a can of gasoline and rather than pouring it into your gas tank, you empty it onto the grass. This serves neither you nor the grass. What’s more, if you get mad and strike a match, you’ll destroy the grass completely. Instead, you could pour the gas into the fuel tank and travel somewhere. Responsibility is this kind of power. By spilling your spirit’s fuel, you deprive it of what it needs.
I: Could we go back to the topic of fatalism and surrender?
Inner ‘I’: I already mentioned that a fatalist makes fate something to bargain with. When you surrender, however, you become fate itself. Fate is often associated with sorrow in your mind, so it never has a positive meaning. Instead, let’s call it a game, and you are a player. See how this word ends in “-er,” so a person who plays is also a tradesman. A player’s success depends on how well he plays the game. In a sense, a fatalist is like a player. He plays the game, but inwardly he thinks the game is rigged, so he does not identify with the game. Yet he continues to play it. He is like a talentless actor who wants to be a movie star. He has no natural ability, so he’s very artificial. He cannot flow with the script, so he takes it out on the director. Most often, he will be mad about the role he needs to play. Such people rarely progress beyond being background actors. They chose this in the universal screenplay. Once a player becomes aware of this, he or she starts to transform into the game itself. This is surrendering. It is a state of awareness, a state of letting oneself go to the flow of the game. It is the transformation of the player into the game itself. An actor might start as an extra, but then he might get a role as a supporting character before getting a leading role, both in his own life and in the screenplay of the universal movie. Fatalists, meanwhile, collapse with self-pity and refuse to move on. They do not accept that everything results from their own choices. They just grumble and blame others. They pretend that they have surrendered, often using phrases like “I guess it was fate” and “Let’s hope for the best.” In reality, this is submission rather than surrender. They are not the same thing, are they? When an actor surrenders, he transforms into the play itself. The director directs, but the actor interprets the directives in his own way. The play then reflects the actor in such a way that people gape at him with astonishment. He has single-handedly elevated the energy of the play. Imagine if some of the other actors also surrendered, maybe tens of them, maybe hundreds. What a play it would be! In such a play, the grumbles from the discontented extras would fade away, and even they might be inspired by the other actors…
I: Wow, you explain it so beautifully! Well, I also often say, “Let’s hope for the best.” Twenty years ago, I used this phrase even more frequently. I now regret that after all those years, I’m still at square one. You would think I could have advanced an inch at least?
Inner ‘I’: Your mindset is suitable for surrender, but it’s also prone to submission. Twenty years ago, when you hoped for the best, you were afraid. You felt powerless, so you sought sanctuary in a creator figure whom you deemed all powerful. It was like a child clinging to a parent’s leg. You’ve grown up now, though. When you say you hope for the best, you’re surrendering yourself to the flow. It’s like visiting your family home years after leaving for college. Your mom asks you what you want to eat, and you just say, “Mom, you know me better than that. Whatever you cook, I’m sure I’ll enjoy it.” When you hope for the best now, it’s kind of like this. You are consciously releasing yourself to the flow. Think about when you visit a friend in a strange city. In the evening, he asks you what you want to do. He knows the city much better, so you let him decide, and you have an unforgettable night. You can never linger in same place, however, because the play is limitless and eternal. There are so many places to discover, so just tell me where to go.
I: You know this place better than I ever will. I’ve been away for a long time, so I’ll leave it to you.
Inner ‘I’: (Smiling) Well then, I’ll take you to such a place that you will never forget for as long as you live…
I: You know, I won’t ask you why there’s so much suffering and pain or why you created all the darkness. You have already explained it to us many times already, but somehow we fail to hear it, so you keep on sending the same messages in ever stronger ways. So, I’d like to ask you another question instead, but please give me a straight answer. I don’t want an answer that’s too convoluted to understand or so vague that it can be interpreted in multiple ways. A straight, simple answer would be nice. Here goes…
What do you want? Really, what do you want? What do you want us to do now? In other words, what do we need to do? You see, most of us just stare at TV screens like captivated morons. It’s a massacre, and the pain is at its peak. The darkness is having a ball, so come on, what do you want from us?
Inner ‘I’: What do you want from your fingers right now? Do you want them to dance around the keyboard, hitting keys so you can write articles? They do follow your whims, right? They never question you. Have you ever known your fingers to refuse you?
I: Well, erm, maybe they would if I had a stroke or suffered some kind of injury. Is that it? Did you have a stroke? Are you trying to regenerate yourself? Really, I don’t understand where I start and where I end. If I am no more than a finger, what about my freewill? Ah, I really don’t understand all this.
Inner ‘I’: Are you ready for the answer? You do not actually exist! What’s more, I do not exist either! Then again, you do exist, and so do I!
I: Aha, there you go with your riddles again. I either exist or I don’t, so which is it?
Inner ‘I’: You both exist and not exist at the same time! You don’t have to choose one or the other. You exist in non-existence while also not existing in existence! You are everywhere and nowhere, in both the darkness and the light. You are at war, yet you’re also at peace…
I: So what? People have been saying such things for millennia. Did we collapse in tears as if we understand what it all means. Nothing changed, and nothing ever changes. Blood and tears have continued to be shed over the millennia. If you’re really the Creator, why do you persist in inflicting pain on yourself? Something doesn’t add up here…
Inner ‘I’: My reason for it is the same as for why you continue to inflict pain on yourself. What have you gained so far by hurting yourself? If you’re unsure whether you’re dreaming, don’t you pinch yourself to find out?
I: Yeah, sure. I accept that we are dreaming, and you’re just trying to wake us up. This is why there’s so much pain, because it helps us to wake up. Argh! I know all of this, but it still does not fit somehow. It’s still so uncertain. I must be missing something, because while it does not fit, it continues to hurt. We continue to live our lives like broken records. All the knowledge we’ve gained so far is constantly repeated, and they say this happens because this knowledge has not been applied to life.
So then, if I am the fingers, you are the brain. If I am the aide, you are my commander. Really, I don’t know where I stand in all of this. Along comes Eckhart Tolle and says, “Life is the dancer, and you are the dance,” but where is the choice? Where is my freewill? What am I living and experiencing?
Inner ‘I’: Carry on—you’re doing rather well. After all, I want you to question things like this. Maybe you don’t realize it, but you are about to cross a line. You are approaching such a point that you’ll soon be ready for the next stage. The boundary is in sight, and you’re about to pass through it…
I: What is this boundary, and what does it enclose? I really don’t understand you sometimes. Two bombs exploded recently in Ankara. Why did more than a hundred people need to die? Why did all the dead and injured need to suffer? Really, tell me what it was about…
Inner ‘I’: It will probably be hard for you to accept this, but they were brave spirits who sacrificed themselves for a greater purpose.
I: Tell that to their parents, their friends, and their wives and children! Why didn’t you intervene to prevent it? Why did they all need to die?
Inner ‘I’: Sometimes, for a greater truth to come into to the world, a vast amount of energy is needed. Millions need to merge into a single consciousness, a single heart, so that enough energy can be released. In these times, spirits sacrifice themselves so the transformation can take place. None of these people died in vain. They were great spirits who knowingly played their roles in this transformation. Once more, they sacrificed themselves for a greater good. Through their pain, a vast amount of energy was released, and the veil that prevented you from seeing the truth became threadbare. The fire of pain sears, and it continues to melt away the layers. This is how truth begins to flow into the world…
I: But why don’t you just say the words and make it like that?
Inner ‘I’: You still don’t understand how the system works, because you try to avoid and resist the pain. Yet nothing in the universe happens just for fun. Every incident is part of a bigger picture. It starts with the spirit itself and extends out to its spiritual family. In waves, it then spreads to the spiritual community and finally all over the planet. The bombing in Ankara created a wave in the consciousness of humanity, and you are now one step closer to the truth.
I: Are you kidding me? There is nothing but pain, suffering, and hate around us constantly. Will the truth flow from this turmoil?
Inner ‘I’: There are always easier ways, but you reject them and insist on doing it the hard way. You’re merely getting what you asked for.
I: So much for not being the dancer but rather the dance. We don’t get to choose. You do!
Inner ‘I’: You still regard you and me as separate entities. Who is marking this separation? To whom do you think you are talking? Go and look in the mirror. Ask yourself how many people you see. There is only you, and there is only me. You can call me your inner self or your higher self, because you are the one who created me. You created this world on your own, Hasan, and then you divided yourself into your “self” and your “inner self.” You are the consciousness that created the person you are. You are both the dancer and the dance…
I: I still don’t get it! Just two days ago, we talked about surrender. You told me, “Surrender, and I will solve everything for you,” so I did. Okay, things are resolving themselves, but to whom did I surrender? Why is it that I cannot solve something myself, yet it can be solved if I surrender?
Inner ‘I’: (Smiling) There’s just a little further to go, you know? You are so close. You are like a baby about to be born. You are feeling the walls of you mother’s womb and just need to be patient for a little while longer. Not only will your questions be answered— more than you could ever imagine will flow into your life. I say “you,” but anyone that reads and feels this message in their hearts is also getting ready…
I: I’ll say “okay,” because I don’t know what else to say. I don’t think I got a straight answer to my question. It all feels like a roundabout way of explaining it, and there’s still something missing. I’ve written down this entire conversation, but I wonder if I should share it or not, because it’s not like I can scream, “Yes! That’s it!”
Inner ‘I’: You should just share it regardless. The ones that understand will know what it means. It went like this because it was meant to go like this. If you want to paint a picture, you first need to stretch a canvas. Tonight, we stretched a canvas together. Just share it as it is.
I: Okay, I’ll post it now…