I have apparently always been calculating for all my life. I’m not someone carefully planning, though, but rather just someone calculating.
If I were planning, I would have better managed my funds. Yet I’ve been calculating, because I have been spending my money here and there. So, how did I do that?
I must have some money, right? To exist in a mindset that says, “I am wealthy,” I created experiences where I could spend money, but I couldn’t live through those experiences fully. I didn’t live the aspect of actually being there, so it created in me the notion of being there just to spend money. It did not bring any spiritual satisfaction, and because of that, I grew even more hungry.
It was the same when I was making love. I couldn’t do justice to the being with me. I’d be in a hurry. I was making love on a mental level, and because of that, I gained no real satisfaction from it.
While I could have made many creations, I wasn’t even able to nurture what I did create. Actually, I have not been able to give birth at all. It should have grown in my womb, but shortly before I was due to give birth, I had a miscarriage. I couldn’t do justice to my pregnancy through my creative process either.
It’s because I was always looking ahead. My mind always hung on the question of “What’s next?” in a state of curiosity and haste. There was also a consciousness of deprivation with a desire to consume. “Okay, now I’ve got this, but what’s next?” it would say, without doing justice to either of them, without communicating anything or sharing, without love. It just aimed to obtain…
That’s what I did with spirituality as well. You know, we all have an exterior sight but also an inner one. You know how I look on the outside, but on the inside is different. If I looked in a mirror at the inner me, I’d see an obese person, someone who has eaten everything but is unable to digest it, someone who greedily chases the next tasty morsel of knowledge.
It was the same when I was a teenager. I was a fat teenager with tinted glasses, a light feathery moustache, and unkempt hair. I used to hate how I looked. I thought nobody would like me the way I was. That’s why I tried to improve myself in other aspects, especially my knowledge. This is how I tried to balance out my feelings of incompetence.
I now have similar feelings. I see how this teenage consciousness lies beneath many of my behaviors: Hastiness, impatience, and chasing the next big thing. There’s again a feeling of incompetence and a need for balance, but it’s time to transform this.
At the beginning of this article, I said I was a calculating person. The source of money is feminine, but what leads it is masculine. When my masculine side was in deprivation, it didn’t know how to lead the way regarding money, and because of this, I spent this entire energy here and there. I then began to calculate how to make ends meet. It’s not just about money, though—I treated all life’s energies like this: time, knowledge, sexuality, occupation, existence, and so on. I attacked the next source of hunger and deprivation constantly.
Now with this awareness, I can transform this unconscious masculine into the divine masculine, a masculine more cautious about external and internal sources, one that patiently approaches things calmly…
Until today, I ruined beauty with fear, with worry, with an I-cannot-do-that attitude, and with the negative. I have always condemned myself and deprived myself of beauty. I betrayed myself. I was ungrateful, but now I’m done with it! I will now respond to my soul’s invitation. When the doorbell rings, I will be home. I am the home itself, and I am also the one knocking on the door…
It’s time to create and live, deservedly…
